Introduction: My Overwhelmingly Positive Thoughts About “Nonviolent Communication” (NVC)
I’m not gonna become a full-time evangelist of this book—there’s lots of other things I can spend my time doing. But it’s a great book, so maybe I’ll be a part-time evangelist. I totally recommend it!
The core lessons from the book are the sort of things that I would have found extremely useful to have known in the past, for communicating with others. I also wish that other people had known of these ideas when communicating to me in the past, and with each other. I feel like it could have saved people a lot of hurt. The book is reasonably grounded—just make a few basic observations about people, and it falls into place why the core lessons of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) work so well.
The Book’s Examples Sometimes Lack a Wider Analysis
While its core lessons are pretty great, sometimes the superficial examples are a bit idealistic. Like, the idea that conversations following principles of NVC can solve the Israel-Palestine conflict, or that NVC is well suited for disputes between management and workers.
I don’t think Rosenberg is that naïve—he realizes that there are cases which require the “protective use of force”—but my analysis of when a social structure is going to be so resistant as to make NVC essentially ineffective clearly differs from his. When dealing with colonialism and class conflict, these structures are inherently unjust, and attempts to find a solution to the conflict with NVC will be impossible unless that solution requires the overthrow colonialism or capitalism.
Ultimately, such a “radical” position would be the end result of the NVC process—the NVC process would certainly end up suggesting the protective use of force against the unempathetic social systems of colonialism and capitalism. The reason some of these superficial examples of applying NVC seem so idealistic is because with a bit of knowledge of how these social systems work, it’s clear that it’s extremely unlikely that NVC will be able to engender true, action-spurring empathy among the class of oppressors (let alone the oppressive social system) to meet the needs of the oppressed.
Where NVC Is particularly Helpful: Strengthening Interpersonal Relationships. This Strengthens Working Class Solidarity and organizational capacity in the face of oppressive structures which seek to divide us socially.
NVC, however, appears (and has been) extremely helpful among basic interpersonal relationships. It has application in pockets of real relationships between people—relationships which have significant freedom of self-determination, even considering the harsh material constraints within oppressive social structures.
Among family, friends, coworkers, neighbors—and in my mind the most important—among the organizing working class, Nonviolent Communication seems to me like an indispensable part of the process of creating connection, community, and solidarity which fully respects people as they are.
On that note about respecting people as they are, NVC is a set of practices which fit really well into the practical application of deontological ethics. I also understand NVC to be conceptually extremely close to the noncarceral alternatives proposed by Prison Industrial Complex Abolitionists.
In my opinion, NVC strikes the correct balance in many difficult questions, such as:
What do we owe to people acting out of ignorance and fear, in ways that harm others; such that we can work to reintegrate them into the community? (Not punishment or distancing, nor capitulation and turning a blind eye to the harms, but meaningful nonviolent communication and empathy.)
How do we prevent and handle emotional, interpersonal pain without promoting more disconnection from each other? (By expressing our needs to each other, so that we may come together over our shared human needs.)
How do we express our anger and appreciation to others in helpful and respectful ways? (By focusing on how our needs are unmet or met, and how it makes us feel. Not by blaming or judging, or by expressing that other people are the cause of our negative/positive feelings—rather, NVC recognizes that the our feelings are rooted in the fact that needs are being unmet/met.)
The NVC framework gives me a way of parsing through hard questions like these.
Usually, the answer in these sorts of interpersonal issues is to get us to clearly communicate and learn each other’a basic needs as people. This is especially true within tense situations. And once people’s needs have been clearly communicated, a solution to the impasse reliably becomes pretty obvious.
But enough chit-chatting!
Summarizing Nonviolent Communication
Let’s get into it, shall we? The book itself is well written, so it’s tough to condense it further than it is in the Summary sections at the end of each chapter. But I’ll try to do that anyways, in case you don’t have the book, and so that I can review the main points without having to have the book on hand.
4 Points of Communicating nonviolently to Others:
NVC revolves around expressing and hearing observations, feelings, needs, and requests.
Observe and express your observation of the specific external event that you are responding to, avoiding normative evaluation / judgement.
Express how you feel when you observe that external event. Other people’s actions or external events may be a stimulus for our feelings, but feelings are always a reflection of our internal needs, not caused by other people’s actions or external events.
Examples of feelings: “I feel sad/angry/dejected/embarrassed/annoyed/relieved/fascinated.”
Examples of analyses: “I feel like you are treating me unfairly.” This is trying to look into another person’s head—NVC recommends simply focusing on what you yourself are feeling! Instead, I might say, “I observed how you treated that person with time and energy, but were quick with me, when I thought my problem was similarly difficult. I feel confused and angry because I want to be able to get my problems solved, or at least to understand why a bureaucracy seems to treat me the way it does.”
Express your human needs which are being unmet/met, which are underlying your feelings.
Needs don’t specify anything about a person taking a specific action. This is not a “need” even though it uses the word: “You are too impatient! I need you to give me more time to make my decision!” Instead, NVC might go along the lines of: “You are asking me to make a significant life decision in 10 minutes. In this situation, I feel uncertain, rushed, and scared that I’ll make a choice that ends up making me less financially secure than I could have been. I have a need for safety and security in my future, which financial security can bring. Because of this, would you please give me more time to think this through before I give you my final answer?”
Make a request that would enrich your life—that is, which would lead to meeting your underlying needs.
Use positive, action language to make requests—that is, specific and actionable, not merely vague or restricting statements of “don’t do XYZ.”
In tense situations, it can be helpful to use present language to make requests of people that they can accomplish in the moment. For example, instead of “I’d like you to go to the show with me Saturday night”, one might say what one is requesting at that moment: “Would you be willing to tell me whether you will go to the show with me Saturday night?” p.172
Distinguish your request from a demand, which is “when others believe they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply.” p.79
When the ‘people you are communicating with’ think that you are judging them, they are more likely to respond defensively in the moment, rather than listen empathetically for your needs. When they see your underlying needs, they are more likely to respond empathetically, because we all pretty much share the same set of needs.
4 Points of Listening to Others (and Yourself) Empathetically:
When we hear a negative message, we might blame ourselves or others, or, what NVC recommends, we can get curious about our own feelings and needs, or others’ feelings and needs.
Other people are often not practiced in the “observation, feelings, needs, requests” framework of NVC. When listening to people express themselves, NVC recommends listening for those four things, even through emotionally charged language that targets and blames the NVC listener. Sharp, emotionally charged language, even when it is targeted at the listener, is usually a sign of an unmet need—and empathetic listening tries to listen for and uncover those root issues.
Try to figure out what the other person is observing and responding to.
Try to figure out how the other person is feeling, even asking or prompting if necessary. Confirm that you’re accurately understanding how they’re feeling.
Try to figure out what the other person is needing, even prompting if necessary, to distinguish between feelings and needs. Confirm that you’re accurately understanding their needs.
Try to translate their unfulfilled needs into a request, and confirm if that is the sort of thing they are asking for.
Paraphrasing / asking / prompting is cool! Even if you’re not right about what the other person is feeling or needing, it shows to the other person that you’re trying to understand them. When people see what you’re going for, they will often correct you and tell you what they’re feeling / needing. It can also save time to venture a guess which they confirm is what they are trying to communicate to you.
Notice that NVC doesn’t jump to trying to solve the other person’s problems, nor tries to make them feel better by minimizing their problems. It asks us to actively listen to other people, to discover what their actual observations, feelings, needs, and requests are—rather than assuming that we know, or getting caught up in being defensive ourselves.
When we are blaming or feeling angry at ourselves, we can also listen to ourselves empathetically with the NVC process. We get curious about what external event we are responding to, how it makes us feel, what needs are being met or unmet, and what actions we want to take as a result of this analysis.
When we notice that we are “being defensive or unable to empathize, we need to:
stop, breathe, give ourselves empathy;
scream nonviolently; or
take time out.” p.104
It was cool to learn about “screaming nonviolently.” When we feel overwhelmed with emotion, we might usually blame and externalize our feelings at other people or external events. But again, feelings may be stimulated by outside events, but they are always caused by our own needs being met or unmet.
Screaming nonviolently means to get out our emotions in a way that pins them on how our needs are not being met. Rosenberg gives the example of: “Hey, I’m in a lot of pain! Right now I really do not want to deal with your fighting! I just want some peace and quiet!” p.103-104 Notice how this expresses his feelings being caused by his need for peace and quiet to deal with his own pain—not anger at others for fighting loudly.
Mediating Others Toward Conflict Resolution:
When mediating in NVC, we’re essentially trying to:
Navigate the conversation so that people express their observations, feelings, and especially needs & requests to each other.
It can help to venture guesses / paraphrase / ask, as we would when empathetically listening.
Navigate the conversation so that people mutually listen and understand the other person’s observations, feelings, and especially needs & requests.
Sometimes, people feel too hurt to hear the other person—they are focused on how their needs are not being met, which gets in the way of dedicating mental space to trying to understand and empathize with the other person. One person may worry that the mediator is taking a side when we are listening to the other person’s feelings and needs. It can help to have some “emergency empathy” to try to understand that person’s feelings and need. This is to reassure them that we are not taking a side, and that we will get to a point in the conversation where we are trying to understand and communicate their needs.
Sometimes, people have had non-NVC arguments in the past, and they’re so used to hearing criticism from the other person. So even when the other person is able to describe their feelings and underlying needs, the listener assumes that the other person is continuing to criticize them. It can help to take it slow, and to ask the listener to repeat back what they’ve heard the other person express.
On page 164, the book summarizes the conflict resolution process as:
“Either side may express their needs first, but for the sake of simplicity in this overview, let’s assume we begin with our needs.
First, we express our own needs.
Second, we search for the real needs of the other person, no matter how they are expressing themselves. If they are not expressing a need, but instead an opinion, judgement, or analysis, we recognize that, and continue to seek the need behind their words, the need underneath what they are saying.
Third, we verify that we both accurately recognize the other person’s needs, and if not, continue to seek the need behind their words.
Fourth, we provide as much empathy as is required for us to mutually hear each other’s needs accurately.
And fifth, having clarified both parties’ needs in the situation, we propose strategies for resolving the conflict, framing them in positive action language.” — ‘Nonviolent Communication’ p.164
In addition to this framework, there are a few more tips:
Assure them that you are not there to take sides. Instead, you are there to “support them in hearing each others’ needs, and to help guide them to a solution that meets everyone’s needs.” p.175
It works best if you are not there to impose your own beliefs about how a conflict should be solved—you’re there to “create an environment in which the parties can connect, express their needs, understand each other’s needs, and arrive at strategies to meet those needs.” p.176
Interpreting refusals as unmet needs to be discovered. When someone flatly refuses to do something, it’s worth exploring what of their needs they believe will be unmet if they take that action. Things like these are a sign to dig deeper so that people may fully express their needs.
“Emergency First-Aid Empathy” is sometimes necessary—when understanding and expressing empathy while trying to understand one side’s needs, the other side can assume that you are taking a side. In these moments, it emergency first-aid empathy “might sound like ‘So you’re really annoyed, and you need some assurance that you’re going to get your side on the table?’” p.176 Remind them that everyone will have their turn to be heard and that their turn will be next. It can help to confirm that they’re okay with waiting a bit for their opportunity to express their needs.
“Keep Track: Follow the Bouncing Ball”—basically, remember what each side has been saying and expressing, so that even when you’re switching between people, you’re able to keep track of how far each side has come in terms of expressing themselves and understanding the needs of the other. It can even help to have a whiteboard to write these things out—which can reassure the participants that their needs will be addressed, so they can focus on what’s being expressed in the current moment.
“Keep the Conversation in the Present” because mediations will usually bring up things in the past, but solving a conflict is about the present needs and requests of people.
“Keep Things Moving” because repeating the same story one more time is not going to solve the dispute. Only digging below to find the underlying needs can do that. The mediator may ask questions to dig deeper, or speed up the pace.
Roleplay as if you are one party who is well-practiced in NVC. Rosenberg recommends even using roleplay, where the mediator acts as if they are one party, and attempts to communicate to the other party. But, they guess at what the underlying needs are of the party which they are roleplaying as, and use NVC to express those needs (whereas, the actual party is not practiced in NVC). This saves time, and the party being roleplayed might even be happy, feeling like someone finally understands their needs enough to be able to express them well.
“Interrupt” if you need to, if a conversation gets pointed, heated, or into a shouting match. The mediator is not there to simply be passive, they are there to get people to mutually hear each other’s needs. This cannot happen if people are shouting at each other judgmentally. This interruption may also need to be paired with emergency first-aid empathy. The point of an interruption is to then go back into the NVC process of “making observations, identifying and expressing feelings, connecting feelings with needs, and making doable requests using clear, concrete, positive action language.” p.180
Ask others to repeat what the other person has expressed a need for. Say the need that you heard one side express, and ask the other party to “just say it back so I’m sure we all understand each other.” p.180
Use Audio Recordings, paired with roleplaying for each side, when people refuse to meet to mediate face-to-face.
The Protective Use of Force:
The protective use of force is used especially when:
There’s not enough time to go through the NVC process, or when
One party refuses to listen to the needs of the other party.
Protective force is distinguished from punitive force. “The intention behind the protective use of force is to prevent injury or injustice. The intention behind the punitive use of force is to cause individuals to suffer for their perceived misdeeds.” p.185
“The assumption behind the protective use of force is that people behave in ways injurious to themselves and others due to some form of ignorance. The corrective process is therefore one of education, not punishment. Ignorance includes
a lack of awareness of the consequences of our actions,
an inability to see how our needs may be met without injury to others,
the belief that we have the right to punish or hurt others because they ‘deserve’ it, and
delusional thinking that involves, for example, hearing a voice that instructs us to kill someone.” p.186
Punitive “solutions” may be able to force someone to do what we want, at least in the immediate moment. But it cannot get people to do things for the reasons we want them to do it. It tends to “generate hostility and reinforce resistance to the very behavior that we are seeking.” It “damages goodwill and self-esteem, and shifts our attention from the intrinsic value of an action to external consequences.” p.193
4 steps of Expressing Anger:
Anger is an especially strong feeling, so it can help to give specific attention to how we can practice handling it through NVC. I’ll essentially copy over the summary at the end of this chapter:
“Blaming and punishing others are superficial expressions of anger. If we wish to fully express anger, the first step is to divorce the other person from any responsibility for our anger. Instead we shine the light of consciousness on our own feelings and needs. By expressing our needs, we are far more likely to get them met than by judging, blaming, or punishing others.
“The four steps to expressing anger are (1) stop and breathe, (2) identify our judgemental thoughts, (3) connect with our needs, and (4) express our feelings and unmet needs.” p.154
3 steps to Expressing Appreciation:
Even giving people compliments can reinforce the idea that our feelings are the results of other people’s actions, or intrinsic things about people. Instead, it helps to show our appreciation in ways that reflect how other people’s actions meet our underlying needs, and therefore engender good feelings.
Giving compliments usually goes in terms of: “You’re so kind/smart/nice.” Which doesn’t really show how people are specifically meeting each others’ needs, and reinforces an idea that people can be inherently good or bad.
Instead, an NVC compliment states:
the action that has contributed to our well being,
the particular need of ours that has been fulfilled, and
the feelings of pleasure engendered as a result. p.216
The point of this style of expression is to celebrate with each other how our needs have been met. There’s no need for superiority or false humility when appreciation is expressed in this way. It seems to me to be a much deeper form of appreciation, where the normal/traditional form of giving compliments are rather superficial.
It can be scary to show appreciation! But other people really appreciate it themselves—it builds real connections between each other at a human level, to show how we materially improve each others’ lives by meeting each others’ needs.